


Dirty little Secret

by missing_fawkes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Boys In Love, Childhood Friends, Closeted Castiel (Supernatural), Closeted Dean Winchester, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Friends to Lovers, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missing_fawkes/pseuds/missing_fawkes
Summary: For the people asking why we need Pride and for those who know.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 83





	Dirty little Secret

Dean is angry.  
Cas can tell by the set of his jaw and the way he's walking with his shoulders squared.   
He can tell, because Dean's fingers are curled into fists and the unhappy scowl hasn't left his face since they walked out of the class room.  
Dean is angry and Cas doesn't know why.

The sky is grey, a gust of wind is making the clouds chase each other and the air smells like rain.   
It's Cas' favorite type of weather and he closes his eyes and enjoys the breeze ruffling his already unruly hair. Moments like this should last forever, but he knows it's just the calm before the storm and that the two of them should probably head home before it starts raining.  
When he opens his eyes again, Dean watches him from a few steps ahead with an unbearably soft expression on his face.   
His fingers twitch and for a second it looks like he is reaching out to take Cas' hand, but then he lets his hands fall to the side and turns around without saying a word, his face already hardening again.

They walk beside each other in silence which is not unusual for them, but something about it doesn't sit right with Cas and by the time they arrive at Dean's house, his stomach is in knots. He tries to come up with something, anything to break the silence between them, but Dean simply unlocks the front door and just like that he's out of reach again.   
Swallowing down his unease, Cas follows Dean inside.

They have the house to themselves which is not unusual either since John Winchester is rarely ever home and Sam tries to spend as little time there as possible. Cas knows he is at soccer practice right now, but he finds himself longing for the younger Winchester's presence which never fails to lighten Dean's mood. Sam is also much better at calling Dean out for his bullshit than Cas is. Sometimes it's like the two brother speak a language no one else understands and even though Cas sometimes feels left out because of it, right now he could really use a someone who is fluent in Winchester, because Dean's behavior is worrying him.

"You hungry?," Dean asks, but his voice is gruff and lacks the enthusiasm he normally shows when it comes to food.   
Cas doubts that he'll be able to eat anything until whatever is going on is settled, so he simply shakes his head. A nod is his only answer and then Dean's making his way upstairs like everything is fine, leaving a bewildered Castiel behind.

He can't help but wonder if this is how it ends.  
If the underlying fear that has been on his mind since the day they met is about to come true.  
If Dean has finally decided that he never should have started hanging out with the weird kid that did not know how to throw a ball, but knew most parts of the bible by heart at the age of seven.  
They have been friends for almost a decade Cas realizes and his heart aches at the thought of losing Dean.

Maybe that's not it.  
Maybe Dean has simply decided that dating his best friend did not turn out like he hoped it would.  
Maybe his feelings for Castiel were never more than platonic and now he doesn't know how to let Cas down easy, doesn't know how to tell him without ruining their friendship.

Rationally, Cas knows that these are just his insecurities talking and deep down, he doesn't even believe them.

Dean has told him over and over again how glad he is to have Cas in his life, how much he means to them. He doesn't often use words to express it, but despite his current incapability to interpret his boyfriend's behavior, Cas knows Dean.  
Knows that whenever Dean reaches for his hand or squeezes his shoulder or kisses his forehead or buries his face in the crook of Cas' neck, it is him saying "I love you" in whatever way he can.  
So if Cas is the one to say it out loud, then that's fine. Because the way Dean's face lights up and his eyes and smile become unbearably soft every time he hears Cas say the words tells Cas all he needs to know.

But it's hard sometimes, being the only one who knows and he can't read Dean this time, doesn't know what upset him and why he's even more closed off than usual and it scares Cas more than he likes to admit.  
However, racking his brain over it is not going to solve anything, so he steels himself for a fallout and follows Dean upstairs.

When he enters Dean's room, the boy in question has already begun doing his homework, so instead of diving straight into a conversation Dean is clearly trying to avoid, Cas slumps down on Dean's bed, spreads out his books and gets to work as well.  
Sometimes Dean needs to be forced into talking for his own good, but sometimes -like today- it is better to wait for him to work through it on his own until he is ready to talk about it.  
So Cas focuses on his math problems instead of giving in to his curiosity.   
It is hard to concentrate, because the weird tension lingers and Cas can tell that Dean's mind is somewhere else.  
He's chewing on his pen, rhythmically tapping his fingers on the wooden surface of his desk and hasn't written a single word in the last five minutes.  
Cas is about to shoot his resolution not to pry into the wind, when Dean finally turns around to face him.

"This isn't right," are the first words out of his mouth and Cas' heart skips a beat as a rush of panic shoots through him.  
Maybe his insecurities weren't so far off after all.  
Maybe this is how it ends.

"What do you mean?," he is proud, when his voice doesn't falter even though he already feels like crying. He does not really want to know the answer to that question, but it will kill him to bare the uncertainty for only one moment longer..

A million emotions flash through Dean's eyes, passing too quickly for Cas to identify.  
When he answers, his voice is small and Cas' heart breaks again for an entirely different reason.

"Why don't we get to have what everyone else has?," Dean asks and he sounds so young and vulnerable that Cas wants nothing more than to reach out for his boyfriend and hold him close.  
Dean takes a deep breath and glances at the ceiling, blinking rapidly, before meeting Cas' eyes again.

"I saw Bess and Garth kissing in the hallway right before I picked you up," he finally states and Cas' confusion must be mirrored on his face, because Dean helplessly shrugs with one shoulder.

"I know, I know. The two are literally the sweetest human beings on this planet and believe me when I tell you that I feel like shit and you're allowed to think I am a terrible person, but I got so angry when I saw them."

Dean is not looking at Cas anymore.  
He is staring intently at his feet, purposely not making eye contact.

"It's not fair, Cas. Why do they get to have that and we don't? Still don't, after so many people spent so many years fighting for us to have it, gave their lives for us to have it."

His hands are shaking and he twists them together in his lap.

"I want that, too! I want to walk you to your locker, I want to hold your hand in class, I want to kiss you by the bleachers and I can't."

When Dean finally looks up, there are tears shimmering in his eyes and his voice is breaking, but he continues nonetheless.

"You don't deserve to be treated like some dirty little secret. We are not … This," he gestures between them, "is not a bad thing, nothing to be ashamed of. I know that. Please believe me, when I say 'I know that'."

Dean meets Cas' gaze with pleading eyes and the tears he fought so hard to hold back are freely running down his cheeks now.  
He wipes them off with the back of his hand and all Cas can do is watch helplessly as the boy he loves falls apart in front of him.

"But I am not brave enough to tell them. I know, it should not be such a big deal nowadays and that it's not the eighties anymore. Hell, I could ask you to marry me in a few years and no one could do anything about it, but the mere thought of telling everybody at school makes me want to throw up and I am scared, Cas. I am so fucking scared of what will happen if they find out and for that I am sorry."

Cas is on the edge of the bed, ready to close the distance between them, to hold Dean tight and tell him however often he needs to hear it that it's okay to not be ready to come out, that he should wait until he feels safe enough to uncover that part of himself for the world to see; but Dean beats him to it, falling to his knees in front of Cas, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist and pressing his cheek against his stomach.

All Cas can do is hold him close while the other boy bares his soul.

"I want to be with you, Cas. I want the entire world to know that I am yours and you are mine. I want it so badly and yet here I am, paralyzed by the mere thought of embracing you in public for too long."  
Dean sniffles, pulling him even closer, while Cas rubs soothing circles on his scalp and back.  
He wants to say something, but his mind comes up empty, so he presses a kiss to the top of Dean's head instead and leaves his nose buried in the light brown strands.  
"There is nothing to be sorry about," he whispers, "We are not the ones at fault."


End file.
